I was having a hard time putting into words how I feel about queso, so I decided to put my English and creative writing degree to good use and write you a story. So here goes.
“Princess Elizabeth: The Desolation of Tostita” by Elizabeth Branch (Based on a true story.)
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess named Elizabeth and she was in love with the very handsome Prince Queso.
Elizabeth spent many afternoons daydreaming about Prince Queso and his beautiful kingdom. Everyone loved the prince. He was smooth, silky, and totally the hottest guy in the land. His hair was white-cheddar blonde and his eyes were the color of fresh jalapenos. There was a hint of spice in his voice and his scent reminded Elizabeth of when she was a child and her father, the king, would let her join the cooks in the kitchen while they prepared breakfast, which usually included bacon.
Prince Queso had been traveling out of the kingdom, so it had been awhile since he last asked her if she wanted to hang out sometime, but she remembered it like it was about two minutes ago when she checked her phone and didn’t have a text from him yet. She would be visiting the prince in just a few days, and she could hardly contain her excitement. It filled her like a hunger. The hunger of like, several fieldworkers working through their lunch break, and who skipped breakfast, probably.
The day before Princess Elizabeth was scheduled to leave for Prince Queso’s kingdom, he finally sent her a text. She was surprised when she opened it and he had written her like, a novel. She was shocked when she read that the Prince’s new tutor (the last one was fired because she was too in love with him, but no one blamed her) had arrived, was totally CRAY, and had taken over the castle.
The princess quickly threw on her cloak, grabbed her bag, and checked her lipgloss. She then ran all the way through the castle, outside through the rain (which was totally her luck), and climbed onto her horse, Muffin. Her prince needed her help, and a little rain and frizzy hair weren’t going to stop true love.
She traveled all through the night. She arrived at the prince’s castle the next morning, cautiously crossed the drawbridge and slid off her horse in the entryway. Where was this new tutor? Where was Prince Queso? Elizabeth wandered into the great hall, and then she saw her. She was sitting on King Queso’s throne, which was totally not cool. There was a banner hanging on the wall above the throne, and it read, “All Hail Lady Tostita.”
Lady Tostita was young, beautiful, and had golden, corn-silk hair. Her sharp eyes pierced Elizabeth’s like shards from a thousand tortilla chips. Then she spoke, and her words burned like the spiciest salsa from Elizabeth’s fave Mexican restaurant, Zapata’s, down the road.
“How dare you enter my kingdom! Why have you come here?”
The words hit Princess Elizabeth like chunky salsa. Elizabeth summoned up some courage and said, “I’m sorry to bother you, Lady Tostita, but it’s just that, uh…taking over this castle was like sort of really rude. Prince Queso is allowed to love whom ever he wishes. And we’ve been dating for like a month, so things are pretty serious between us. So, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go rescue him. K thanks.”
Elizabeth turned to go, but suddenly a huge dark shadow fell across the floor around her. The great hall was eerily silent, and there was a short, smoky blast of air that smelled a little bit like burnt quesadillas. The princess was afraid to turn around, but did so slowly and her jaw dropped. OMG!, she thought. Standing before her was a huge golden dragon.
Tostita the Dragon blew smoke from her nostrils and flames licked her lips. “I doubt you can find him,” the dragon said. “I know all the secret passageways, and he’s locked up deep within the castle.” Elizabeth said, “I’ll find him. Just wait and see!” The dragon laughed and it shook the castle. “How about this,” the beast snarled. “If you can find him, you win. If you find him, my reign is over.” Princess Elizabeth thought for a moment. What if she couldn’t find him? What choice did she have? “Deal,” she said, and the dragon revealed a terrifying smile. It lept up and crashed right through the ceiling, causing a storm of bricks and debris. Elizabeth ran from the room to find her love.
As Princess Elizabeth ran through the corridors, the walls shook and paintings of previous Quesos fell to the floor. She heard explosion after explosion, and ended up in a dark part of the Queso castle that she’d never seen before. There was a loud blast that almost knocked the princess off her super cute new shoes. She’s trying to bring down the castle before I can find him!, Elizabeth realized. She was running out of time. Suddenly, a panel in the wall next to her began glowing and it resembled a door. Elizabeth gave it a push and it swung open. She ran down passageway after passageway and up flights of stairs with debris continuing to fall the entire time. Finally, she made it to the top of the tower where she found Prince Queso. He ran across the room to her, they embraced and shared true love’s kiss. At that same moment, the dragon ripped the roof right off the tower! It opened its mouth to breath fire and Princess Elizabeth’s heart sank. Was this how it would end after all that? And then suddenly, the dragon exploded into a million restaurant-style tortilla chips.
Once the storm of debris and chips had subsided, Princess Elizabeth and Prince Queso strolled through the castle hand-in-hand and reassured the people of the kingdom that it was all over. Then they slipped away from the crowds, went down the street to their fave Mexican restaurant, and lived happily ever after.
Moral of the story: I really love queso.
This post is extremely
silly experimental, so if it’s terrible and you hate it, at least you can make some of this queso and forget about everything else.